A love letter to twenty nineteen

emmanuellegammage
Jan 1, 2020
6 min read

You were not what I expected 2019. In some respects, you have been momentous and beautiful but in others, you've been HARD to endure at times. I am grateful each year for what my life brings me and no matter what, I am happy to be alive and as privileged as I am. Thank you, for all that you have taught and shown me - I'm ready for more self-growth and soul searching in 2020.

Friendship

2019 has bought blossoming new friendships and continued lifelong friendships. I've enjoyed probably the last summer of freedom together which has marked the end of our education, which feels strange as I'm still in limbo between education and a career. I think sometimes I take my 'home' friends for granted, because we've been friends for so many years it can feel normal and a little like family sometimes - we get under each other's skin and, I've not always got it right. But when reflecting on my memories, the year has been filled with so much love and joy received from my friends. Their support throughout all my lows and congratulations throughout my highs is a sign of true love.

My friends found husbands, had babies, fell in love, got real adult jobs, pursing their dream in London, moved to America and all bloomed - they inspire me every day. Cheers to them!

I've met a bunch of lovely ladies at university when we worked on a magazine together. I pretty much spent every day with them during my last term at uni and it made me happy every single day. I found my long-distance relationship really challenging but having their company made it so much better and I finally found home in Newcastle. I also lived with a fantastic set of girls on Helmsley Road which felt so much more family like than my previous years at uni. Lastly, I've stayed in contact with my two besties Shannon and Em who I met in first year - we have a snapchat group chat and we update / rant to each other daily even if it's something silly. Hopefully I'll be seeing their delicious faces very soon.

I've made new friends from my blog - women have reached out to me and vice versa relating to what I have written, and some sort of connection has formed. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess when you go through something like anorexia, it is so deeply unique and personal to the community that when someone finally understands, you just feel connected to them on a deeper level. That kind of friendship has really helped me grow and helped my soul find peace.

A huge thing I have loved about this year is growing closer to Max's friends. I always used to get a little upset because Max and I lived such separate lives whilst I was at uni and all of our friendships were very much separate. But I wanted to spend time with his friends and be a part of that (am I super needy? Probably) and in the last few months I have. Shoutout to Lewis and Austen (his housemates) who never kick me and Luna out.

So, thank you, to my beautiful friends who have helped me in any way to better myself and appreciate who I am and what I have.

Goals: to be a better friend and know that it's ok to distance myself when we're not feeding each other's positive energy.

Love

Max and I's relationship has been work. We've had huge highs and huge lows - it's been tough but goodness, it has shown me so much light. We have learnt to support, sacrifice, forgive and understand each other and our communication has definitely improved! I've always been worried that I 'need' Max and maybe I depend a little too much on him but as lame as it sounds, he is my absolute favourite person and I love spending time with him. In the days I've felt really low and needed some extra support when job hunting / worrying about my body etc, he's been there. So, I'm not afraid anymore to say that sometimes, I need Max.

Goals: to communicate more and show Max love every day.

Family

I am so unbelievably fortunate to have a healthy, close-knit, wholesome family. I've spent a lot of time with my siblings which makes me so happy. My fondest childhood memories are the ones spent at the dinner table altogether. We've celebrated my 21st, Etienne's 18th, Loic's 4th birthday, Remi's 2nd birthday and welcomed Cora Joy into our world. I see my nephews nearly every week and watching them grow up is one of the sweetest gifts.

Blogging

I've shared my passions and most personal experiences with you for years now and each week I still look forward to writing and sharing it with you. This year has been the best yet - my blog has become more professional, my content has improved, I've been more creative, I've taken better photos, improved my writing, contacted fellow bloggers and I've been more consistent.

The most rewarding pieces have been about body image. I've shared multiple posts on Instagram that have received HUGE feedback with so many random women commenting / sharing and responding which has totally melted my heart. My blog post received more than 200 views which is the best yet and I've gained more followers who want to keep up with my blog. Thank you, for listening to my voice and letting me practice my passion every day.

Another huge achievement has been working with my first brand! I became an ambassador for Pom Up Your Life. Not only do I personally love the earrings, I love Sophie's brand. My poms make me feel happier every time I wear them and give me a dose of confidence.

Goals: continue progressing my blog, pushing my creativity, reaching out to brands and sharing more body image and fashion content.

Academic

I received a 1st on my dissertation and graduated from Newcastle University. Time flew by and it still hasn't processed that it's over - I miss it so damn much. When I was younger, all I wanted was to attend university, I thought all my dreams would come alive. I didn't fall in love straight away like I thought I would, it was a gradual love. It seemed impossible sometimes that I would enjoy it and graduate, especially when writing 10,000 words. But I did it, with flying colours. I am so proud of me for enduring the difficult bits and blossoming when I was ready to.

A big thing I learnt was to trust myself - that I would figure it out and I would find my purpose and I was strong enough to break through.

Over the summer I got a part-time job as a waitress that has grown into a full-time job whilst job hunt for my career. Although it is just a steppingstone, I absolutely adore the people I work with. Yes, job hunting is mostly depressing and disappointing - I'm not stopping, my Carrie Bradshaw dream is just around the corner.

Goals: find my first journalism related job and gain experience.

Self-growth

Each year that passes teaches me new amazing things about myself. Life challenges me, rewards me, excites me, motivates me. This year, I've grown in confidence, I've lost my sense of self at times towards the end of the year - I think, having no real purpose and just kind of wandering around this limbo phase has thrown me, but I've always had a strong sense that things will be ok in time.

My acceptance journey has continued - I'm at peace with my appearance and understand its value more than ever. I've acknowledged my faults and I'm working out how to fix them.

I'm ending the year content. Amazing things have happened to me in 2019 which I am so blessed for. I don't feel some form of unrealistic optimism that all my dreams are going to come true in 2020 because I have absolute faith that things will be ok no matter what happens. I will find my path and I will be patient.